*A Christmas Carol*
Emily C. A. Snyder
Scene One
[A typical London day in the Winter of the late 1800’s. Various citizens mill around – ladies inspecting street-vendor’s wares, gentlemen laden with gifts, children both poor and rich running hither and yon. Hawkers ply their trade, calling out "apples!" "turkies!" "puppets!" et cetera. A Choir sings: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen." At the end of this, on comes Ebenezer Scrooge, who, in passing by the choir, mutters loudly, "Bah humbug!"
All disburse. The curtains open to reveal the interior of Scrooge’s business. Threadbare employees hunch over writing desks, freezing despite their gloves and scarves. As Scrooge moves through them, he snaps:]
Scrooge: Crachet!
[Bob Crachet, a bookish, gangly, gaunt fellow hops to attention, a falling-apart heavy tome cradled in his arms. He follows after Scrooge, SR, to Scrooge’s private office. Scrooge inspects his desk, checking to make sure that nothing’s been pinched. As they speak, the employees surreptitiously listen.]
Scrooge: I have a letter, Crachet.
Crachet: Yessir….
Scrooge: A petition. Signed by my employees, Crachet.
Crachet: Yessir….
Scrooge: My indolent employees, Crachet.
Crachet: Yessir….
Scrooge: And do you know what these…lazy employees want, Crachet?
Crachet: Um….
Scrooge: An extra bucket of coal!
Crachet: Well, sir, it is December twenty-fourth…!
Scrooge: Do you mean to imply that the calendar dictates how I run my business?
Crachet: No…only….
Scrooge: Do you mean to tell me that my employees regret working for me?
Crachet: N-no…sir!
Scrooge: Do you mean to say that those lazy good-for-nothings would prefer to work elsewhere!!!
Crachet: NO!
Scrooge: Good. Then we are agreed that this…unfortunate letter…was never written. [Tearing it up and throwing it away.] You may go Crachet.
Crachet: Yessir. [He begins to go, but the other employees shoo him back.] Uh, sir…?
[Before he can say anything, the doorbell rings and in bursts Fred with a holly wreath. An overburdened servant who is laden with presents follows him. As Fred speaks, the servant starts handing out presents to the employees. Crachet takes the opportunity to return to his desk.]
Fred: Merry Christmas, everybody!
Employees: Merry Christmas, sir!
Fred: And, to you too, Uncle Scrooge.
Scrooge: Bah humbug. What’s so merry about it?
Fred: Oh, can’t imagine. Family, friends – the birthday of the Saviour?
Scrooge: Twaddle. Some Saviour. A pauper that got himself nailed to a tree. What do you want?
Fred: I come to issue an invitation to dine with us tomorrow for Christmas supper. Won’t cost you a penny.
Scrooge: You keep spending your money so rashly and you’ll end up like your precious Christ.
Fred: Resurrected? Not a bad way to go.
Scrooge: Bah humbug.
Fred: I’ll take that as a ‘yes.’ Clara will be overjoyed to see you.
Scrooge: Whyever did you get married?
Fred: Because I fell in love! Well, Merry Christmas, Uncle. Merry Christmas, everyone!
Employees: Merry Christmas, sir!
[Fred goes to leave, followed by his servant. Just as Fred opens the door, however, we see two Charity Men, rather nervous to be there. Confused, they belatedly ring the bell.]
Charity Man 1: Er…hullo?
Charity Man 2: Mr…uh…Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge?
Fred: [Laughing] Oh, no. He’s in there.
Charity Men: Oh.
Fred: Please, do come in. Uncle, there are two men to see you!
Scrooge: Send them away.
Charity Man 1: We’ll only take a moment of your time, Mr. Scrooge.
Charity Man 2: We represent the Good Will Society for the Poor Orphans.
Charity Man 1: And we were hoping that you would be willing to donate….
Charity Man 2: Just a little….
Charity Man 1: Out of your surplus….
Charity Man 2: To help the poor orphans.
Scrooge: No.
Charity Man 1: Er…no?
Scrooge: No.
Charity Man 2: But, Mr. Scrooge, surely as a lender you must feel a little compassion in your heart….
Scrooge: Crachet!
Crachet: Yessir!
Scrooge: Crachet, do I own the orphanage?
Crachet: Er…yessir….
Scrooge: Crachet, have they paid their rent this month?
Crachet: Uh…no sir….
Fred: Uncle!
Scrooge: Evict them all.
Fred: Uncle – at Christmas time!
Charity Man 1: Barbarous!
Charity Man 2: Unfeeling!
Scrooge: Not at all. I just gave you a reason to go out and bother other poor fools.
Charity Man 2: But the orphans…they’ll die!
Scrooge: Then they better do it and decrease the surplus population! Good day, gentlemen!
[The Charity Men get up and begin to leave. Fred follows, stops them, and gives them a thin purse.]
Fred: It isn’t much, I know, but….
Charity Man 1: Bless you.
[They exit, troubled. Fred himself stays at the door, looks back at Scrooge, and then purposely hangs the wreath upon the door, calling:]
Fred: And bless you, too, Uncle Scrooge! God bless us, every one!
[He exits. A clock ticks, chiming the hour: five. One by one, the employees begin putting away their books and quills and shrugging on their jackets. As they do so, they push Crachet towards the front. He, holding his hat in his hand, meekly enters Scrooge’s inner sanctum.]
Crachet: Um…sir?
Scrooge: What.
Crachet: Well, sir, well, the lads and I, we were wondering, that is, if you wouldn’t mind, sir….
Scrooge: What.
Crachet: Well, we were wondering if we could have tomorrow off, it being Christmas and all.
Scrooge: Off!
Crachet: Uh, yes, sir, although, you know, we’d be glad to come in early the next day, and work later and….
Employee: Well, it is Christmas, sir!
Scrooge: Christmas. Bah humbug. A poor excuse for robbing a man’s pocket every December the twenty-fifth. Half a day.
Employee: Half a…! [The other employees shush him.]
Crachet: Please, sir? We’ll make it up! We’ll come in early for a week!
Scrooge: Two weeks.
Employee: Two…! [He is shushed even more vigorously than before.]
Scrooge: Very well. [He rises, closes the safe, pulls on his greatcoat, and goes to the door.] Be sure you clean everything, Crachet. I shall see you all before dawn otherwise.
[He leaves abruptly. The employees burst into cheers, hugging each other gleefully. Only the outraged employee exclaims:]
Employee: Two weeks!
All Others: Bah humbug!
